Mindless Thoughts

ooo yea

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 10:28:16 GMT

ps-the oc sucks

black is the new pink

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 10:18:27 GMT

ugh i'm so bored and i can't fall asleep... well actually i haven't tried to fall asleep... you see, i've been downstairs watching tv and my bed is upstairs... and i'm downstairs.... and that's just too much effort...

i love law and order

440 is comng here in 3 weeks!!! mmm

slayer is in like a week and 2 days... i'm goin with scott, which will be awesome.

i need to dye my hair while i'm home.. it's not black enough...? i love black hair =)

i love black

the other day my sisters friend walked into my room and asked if someone died... i guess it's because i have a black bed and a black net thing above it... and black and white pictures on my walls....

i think it's hott so screw the "colored" people haha--that was a joke ;) it was funny

so the hellfest volume 3 dvd... no fucking lie, i was staring at it like... hawaawaawaaa --not really sure what to do with it

i'm watching vh1 and they just keep repeating the u2 song... i liked this song when it was only in the ipod commercial... i can't stand more than a few seconds of a newer u2 song... "it's a beautiful day duuhh nuhh nuhhhh" is the only good part of that other song...

i don't wanna go home for thanksgiving.. i wanna just get the fuck outta here... like go back to az for a little or go to the bahamas and gamble.

who is this, nas? o dear....

alright, well tomorrow's friday and i don't have class so i am good to go

ok i ?retract? my statement about nas, this is kinda cool.. a lot of bootyshakin and his dad? but lose the gold "grill"

piss off

webcam+alison=PORN!

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 06:50:34 GMT

so i made an investment of a webcam... shame on me!! i can't stop takin pics! -it's doesn't help that 440 doesn't live near by and the urge to send some pics to persuade him to come here is tooooo strong to fight!! well buying a webcam has definately made me more secure? hahaha as you can tell, i've changed my picture... the other day/week/month one of my sisters' friends came in and said they had a presant for me and threw this black condom at me... since i don't have sex, i decided to make this pic/pose/add for "safe sex with black condoms" to all the premarital sexers. i figured this was about the best use for the condom since i usually don't wear condoms when engaging in anal sex... hahaha ...with joe :D
Yea so since i've been up at fspoo i've made some friends, yea... my friend asaaf is in the band called umm "this day" that's this hardcore band that fucking rocks... he's such an amazing drummer. he's pretty hot too but he talks to much.... it's a damn shame.
I kissed this guy... his name's mike... film students are just so freakin cute...

i can't wait to see slayer, killswitch, and mastodon --fuck yea

last night i came home drunk and accidently let my cat out?? so he was missing from last night until a couple of hours ago... "my bad" ?

college is cool but tallahassee sucks hairy sweaty balls with nut musk haha
it blows

and if any of you havent, you should check out www.therottens.com it's a couple who do porn together... she's my ultimate fantasy girl, and he's my ultimate fantasy guy-he has a tattoo on his penis that says "poison" {{hot}}... and if you really wanna see me really happy, you can buy me the green poster of rachel!

Where the hell am i?

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 05:47:47 GMT

... so i arrived in good ol' Akron, Ohio, home of da Zips (whatever the hell that is..) I'm having a great time, except for the fact that there's nothing to do. I love sollitude, but i enjoy getting dressed up and going out... but i'm stuck here with no car and there are hobos everywere and people tryin to sell crack so there's no way in hell i'm puttin on a skirt and walking to main st. I'm taking a human relations class at akron u and i'm learning a lot about how to understand and identify with people... but more importantly, what fucks people up and why assholes are the way they are... hehe yea it' really interesting... like i learned that the reason i have an oral fixation is because my mother didn't "ween" me off titty correctly... and i stress about being in control because my parents didn't potty train me properly... haha it really hurts inside.....

anyways... (now for the mushy part) i've seen 440 a couple times.. it's been awesome.. i look at him and i am just enthrawled heehee it's funny beause for the past year 440's puzzled me because he'd push me away whenever we got close, and now that i'm here and my feelings are real, i'm pushing him... haha NOW, he's telling me he's going to force me into a conversation about our feelings for eachother and our potential future (oo even typing that freaked me out) ---what the hell happend to me being a persuer? my philosophy (which is as emo as it gets) -love will bring out every side of you... it makes you crazy... i dunno it's like you wanna say everything it's talked up to be, yet it's the one thing that leaves you entirely speechless... it reminds me of this card i got for 440 in the future that reads:

'what is love?' -i used to ask
so many seem to share it
yet words are so inadequate
to measure or compare it
(then there are a bunch of things listed i.e. a summer day)
...something something
...and yet when i am in your arms,
i know how well i know it.

-damn that was a piss poor effort on that one...

hehe, so did i mention i don't have a car? and no friends? wow...
i've found that the highlight of my day is watching tv...
i've found that the downside of my day is that when you watch tv all day, they only show reruns at night.. which sux.....
the silver lining is that i can catch 2 programs that are on at the same time by watching one in the am and one in the pm bwahahaha, i beat the system!

ok well i'm gonna go try to fall to sleep... livejournal is my only friend....

I LOVE JOFUS!!!

my future...

Sat, 08 Nov 2003 05:21:39 GMT

i've been thinking a lot lately... where i am... where i want to be... i'm not happy.. i don't have any true friends, i don't like the people i am surrounded by, and i want to change my life...

i've begun talking to 440 again... he told me he didn't want to be in love with me, while i'm so far away... i don't have anything keeping me here and i have been doubting my determination to go to FSU... i met 440 over 2 years ago and haven't seen him a little over a year now... yet i can't let go. to all you who don't know me, i'm not this way at all.. i use people, i break hearts... that might explain why i don't have a clue what i'm doing or should do... all i know is that i don't want to meet the man of my life and hold back because of 440... and i don't want to search for the perfect guy if i already found him... i need to do what my heart says, so possibly tonight i will be proposing the thought of moving to be by 440 to him... i don't know where tonight will end up at... maybe the future that seemed to run my life, or the wake up call to find a new future... and i've even thought about the advantages and disadvantages of what could happen while i'm there... i am willing to take them... things couldn't be worse than they are here... i could start from scratch or find clarity on issues that i've been building inside... i see nothing but benefits from my descision...

so hopefully will talk to 440 tonight and will be back to either mope or to show my anticipation of what's to come.

"i'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring
i give you my life, cuz i don't own anything
it seems like the bottom was all that i had until now
i give you my life, if you'd give me yours somehow..."
-FsF-

still critisized despite how hard that i have tried...

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 04:10:38 GMT

taking two strands and burning the ends
i'm taking away heartaches and failures of friends
new beginnings of a future built off of what's now
not stuck in the past wondering why not or how
tieing a knot to seal regrets out of reach
and hoping i've cut the right strands and kept what i need
new portraits of binds from each thread to a new
so if you're with me now, thanks, because to me you are true.

....to all the rest, fuck you

free verse...

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 01:38:19 GMT

Scared
fearing i've lost what always told me would never leave.
Lonely
it always was easier to bear with, when i felt it wasn't forever.
Sad
when you're not here to pick the pieces back up, it feels i'll never be one again.
Hopeful
somewhat content with the disheartening feeling that i'll always be second best.
Discouraged
you told me the world was you and me, so am i alone now that you left?
Heartbroken
i was always told you could only give your heart to one person, so how could you take it back?
Uncontrollable
if thoughts were in my power i could walk away just as fast.
Regretful
when all is said and done i never planned this was to come.
Disappointed
i really thought what people said was as untrue as you claimed you weren't.
Used
you're telling someone else the things you said were only meant for me.
Punnished
to witness the joy of love between you and someone who isn't me.
Trapped
i can't help but think of all the plans you had for you and me.
Secluded
everywhere i turn are regrets of the past and let-downs of the future.
Devoted
if this is what you used to assure me it was, this couldn't be the end.
Clueless
i don't know where my mind begins, dreams leave off, or when the conversation died.
Curious
when memories fade, are they still real?

"am i happy? now knowing how it feels to be used?"

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 20:06:35 GMT

Main Entry: used
Pronunciation: 'yüzd, in the phrase "used to" usually 'yüs(t)
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 : employed in accomplishing something
2 : that has endured use; specifically : SECONDHAND
Main Entry: 1sec·ond·hand
Pronunciation: 'se-k&n(d)-'hand
Function: adjective
Date: 1654
1 a : received from or through an intermediary : BORROWED
b : DERIVATIVE
2 a : acquired after being used by another : not new

b : dealing in secondhand merchandise

shit

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 04:00:28 GMT

so things are somewhat shitty lately... been too busy to write and to bored to get a life. me and 321 are so close now... he has come here twice now. i like so much of him, but there is something that is just missing... i guess because when i once loved, i loved everything about that someone*. i don't want to jump into something and i don't want to settle, now that i know that i can actually love everything about someone.... damn.. i wish that i could be anywhere i wanted... i wouldn't be here. i don't get it though cuz ever since 321 left, i have been thinking of him... so i know i like him, just... sometimes when he is here, parts of me wish that there was.. a little... i dunno... nevermind. things have changed and i just need to get over it... i just hope that i can find someone that i can be happy with, because compared to someone*, it's going to be really tough... but that's the way it has to be...

nights

"being in love was the happiest day and a half of my life..."

i've got hoes..... in different area codessssss

Fri, 25 Jul 2003 07:30:40 GMT

how about the 321?? got that shit on lockdown!

why am i always goin for the guys that live far away?!? is boca just fd up?? or is it just that i am too immature for a guy to be around me for too long, that i trick myself into liking only part-time guys.... it's so different with 321, though... like i want him to come here... i guess since he is so close, i don't even think about him NOT being here because tonight 1218 was like "will you be my girlfriend" and i was like...no and then he tried to kiss me and i turned away... why am i sacrificing a hookup for 321? don't ask... i guess in my twisted little head, it's more fun to wait that to just settle... (i know that would sound really horrible to 1218) anywhoo... 321 is the bomb diggity.. he never tells me how he feels, which i like because it keeps me always wanting more, but at the same time i don't know where i stand... but like whenever i'm like "this kid hates me..." he will drop me a little reminder of how much he likes me! i love it... i am....enthralled (too bad my smilies don't come with a face for that one!!) yea, so 321 should be down "ASAP" according to him =) i'm a sucker.

so i talked to my friend scotty and he should be moving back here sometime soon (he lived in my neighborhood, but is at college for the time being). he's is very very very hot, but i don't think i should do anything if i'm not as into him as i am into 321...right? but heather says "if 321 calls up and tells you he has a girlfriend, will you regret not doing it!?" ...such a good question.... wich makes me feel like, EH...if it comes up, than, no...i may not turn it down...but i can't honestly say that i would even let something close to that happen.... eh.... i'm so confused at this point. i should listen to heather though, cuz i taught her what she knows and i'm good at that shit. lol well tonight i turned down 1218, so who's to say that i won't do the same with scotty?! ok ok i'm done over-analyzing my life {{haha, like my life is all about penis....i mean guys}}. note to self.. NEVER GIVE LJ ADDRESS TO 321 1218 OR SCOTTY!!!!!

night all it's 330 am

"...i'm about to do all the things i've dreamed of and i don't even miss you at all..."

Tue, 22 Jul 2003 04:37:45 GMT

...or maybe i do...?

so today was a pretty cool day! i talked to 181...she's been away for a month and a half and won't be coming back until aug5th =( i can't wait til she's here to catch up with.

imet up with ARI and we had a lot of fun...we watched the bahamas 2003 tape yet again and laughed just as hard... we really had a blast there.
BAHAMAS TOP 5 POINTS
1.everyone who fell
-when ARI tried to skimboard and busted her ass (it needed wax)
-when ARI slipped in the room
-when 407 called me a pussy because i needed help jumping a fence and then when she did it, she fell and busted her ass
-but the best was when everyone (except 321 and i because we're SMART) decided to jump in the police boat at night to take a picture and Jeff fell in hahahaha

2.eveyone we met up with
-especially 321, aaron, jeff, and sarah

3.the club
-whether spotting the celebrities, hearing my birthday shout out, or just dancing with the girls/guys....sooooo fun

4.the bar scene
-407, who would order all different types and let me sip... she gets the best drinker award
-to the nights SOMEONE would end up hurling... and mad props when people would help them (i got your back 407!)
-the night i got a free shot for bein the loudest or the night we got kicked out for being too loud, then kicked of the casino

5.the pool/beach
-swimming during the day was mad hot and we barely went at night, but i needed a #5!

...yea so ARI and i reminiced and then went out to eat.... where we talked about the bahamas some more!

i didn't get to talk to 321 today, but it's all good. i sent an email with a picture in it so i hope he gets it soon. i talked to him for a couple hours last night and he should be coming here soon (yay) i can't wait to chill with him again... he's such an awesome guy. BE JEALOUS! jk

well i promised my sister i would hurry so she could go on, so cya!!

census says.....

Mon, 21 Jul 2003 06:13:27 GMT

he called!

the aftermath

Mon, 21 Jul 2003 02:52:56 GMT

hmmm.... so i guess i found out more about myself in the past week than i knew before the bahamas trip.

i have very big trust issues.
i met someone...i'll call him 321. i saw this kid from across the bar and my heart like dropped. i turned to my friend sand was like "holy shit!! that right there is my dream guy.... SO HOT!" well.....i guess he felt the same because he came over to talk. he is tan and has the most beautiful eyes ever....i think he's one of the most attractive guys i have eve met..... JUST LISTEN, because his charm was more than skin deep. he made me feel like i was the only girl he wanted to be with and has such an awesome personality... geez... i could talk about him for hours. he likes like 2 hours away so i hope we can see eachother and work something out. i'm just so hesitant to start things because i don't want to end up as hurt as i've been by 440.

i don't like to be hurt and i don't need to take shit from you
i tried very hard to keep my mind off of 440 while i was in the bahamas. i did SO well until i went to go check out one of the shark tanks.... i became really naucious and started cry....i was like....'what the hell.....???' but then i gues my body just remembered how that's where my and 440 hooked up the first time... ...not cool. but instead of dwelling on it, i turned around and walked away... nce i was away i was so much better. i thought that maybe when i came back, he would have send me a card or email (since i sent one to him for his bday) but it's like....no...nothing...i don't get anything back... love takes two people and i'm just tired of it... there is no point in trying to keep my spirits up because he has become as predictable as he always denied he was....it sucks because i now have someone to compare him with and it makes me realize how dumb i am for bein a lapdog while he's out doing whatever. if we were talking, it would be different... i still love him with a lot (if not all) of my heart, but i can't keep giving what he lacks to return.... it's not fair.

i am so self conscious of myself
i am so upset with how i look... i wish i could be like other girls and look good in everything i wear and it upsets me that i can't be happy having what i have.... it's like i look at myself and i'm like... my face is cute, but look how ____ i am or why am i so _____ it just makes me mad because when i meet someone who i'm attracted to, i never think i'm good enough for them....like why would they want me, when they could have someone who looks better..... but maybe that's because i'm shallow...

i am shallow

haha, just had to add that one in...

ok, well i'm gonna go put my pictures into my photo album!! i talked to 321 earlier tonight and he might call so i am happy =) ....what have i gotten myself into now?!?!

MY GOODBYE!

Sat, 12 Jul 2003 07:25:35 GMT

i leave you all for the next week....starting tomorrow!! i hope to get really trashed in the next week and have the best time with my family and my 2 greatest friends! i am very tired... so this is all i can deliver to you!

my goodbye to......that....ass

"It's been a year now
Since you were here now
And I've been trying to heal inside.
...Displaying changes
That we have made
And I wonder if you ever really wanted it this way...
And on my birthday, i'll say an extra wish for you..."
(i changed them around a little)

PS- MY BIRTHDAY IS THE 17TH!!

clubbin boozin shmoozin tannin socializin freakin neckin spankin laughin teasin dancin talkin fuckin grindin listenin celebratin relaxin partyin

BAHAMAS 2003

COUNTDOWN TO BAHAMAS: 2 DAYS!!!!!

Thu, 10 Jul 2003 08:07:27 GMT

wow... i've been packing for the past week and i feel pretty content that i have more than what i need. the only problem is that my pants won't fit in my suitcase....like all 5 pairs of pants don't fit.... oohhh yea, and the minor detail that there is a 30 pound suitcase limit. hmmmmmm O WELL

my sister and i went shopping today...we spent too much money...but we will definately be the best dressed, yo!! the bahamas is one week out of the year where i do everything i want to. it's like one week out of the year that i can be who i only wish i could be every day! i am no longer concerned with the inches i've been meaning to lose...i am, for one week a total and absolute PIMP! this is the first year i'm going with no strings attatched to any guys back home, so i hope to be crazier than last year...well no... i take that back... cuz last year 440 was there and we did some crazy stuff. damn....i hope when i go there i won't be sad. it's going to remind me of eric and 440 so much... eek... i don't want to think about it... i decided to block 440 from my buddy list (starting from a few days ago) so that i don't think of him too much before i go... i dunno...i already proved long ago that what's out of sight isn't always out of mind...but it can't hurt to try again... could it?

ANYWAYS

407 is upset about some family problems and she's not sure if she'll be able to come... it's sad... i don't want her to be alone here with all of the problems she's been having...i don't want her to feel that i'm too far away and that she's on her own. i have a feeling that some nights i'm going to need her, too. me and 407 feed off of eachothers energy and happiness and nothing is ever as fun without her. ari is STOKED about coming this uear (it's her first time) so i can't wait to see how amazed she is....

AND NOW...FOR THE NEWS OF THE DAY!!!!

soooo...i forget if i wrote about the guy who did my hair...i think i did... well today i went to go get my hair cut by my cousin (she works at the same place as him) and so.... yea he's hot. he has such big muscles...it's hot.. so i went up and talked to him and he seemed really excited to see me...so i told him where i would be friday night and said he should come... omg...so fine, so fine

UNTIL (bumbumbummmmm) i was leaving and told my cousin to get him and his brother (who she likes) to come and she was like....he has a GIRLFRIEND!! ....i swear, this only happens to me...

so i hope my cousin doesn't go and tell him that i like him or anything...it was so obvious when i was talking to her, because for some reason i got really nervous and shaky when i saw him... i don't get like that.... i wanna look sexy for friday.... he probably won't go... i leave saturday..... it's 4am... i make no sense...

i leave with a song for 440 and his doll

"it's been a long time
since the last time I saw you
felt like nothing had changed
since we were together
i must admit that I GO CRAZY FOR YOU.

I could see
That there was something you wanted to say to me
'cause usually
you'd be holding on to me
But instead you tell me

things have changed, they're not the same
and recently you found someone that you
decided to dedicate your whole life to
and what we had is about to be through

what hurts the most is letting go
i know things are different now, you've gone and
settled down
And I THOUGHT FOR SURE YOU'D ALWAYS WAIT FOR ME.

what hurts the most is i should have taken the chance
when you came to me and offered me your hand
SILLY OF ME, I THOUGH I'D ALWAYS HAVE YOUR HEART
i had the chance to love, now i miss you

ok, so my life took a break for the night...

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 08:06:35 GMT

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Mon, 07 Jul 2003 20:55:26 GMT

ok....word to the wise...if you don't want to be stereo-typed, then don't stereo-type other people...

(this by the way is to noone other than myself...MY journal...MY thoughts, MY mind....)

I DRINK
hi, my name is alison ***** and i drink alcohol (enter stereo-type here).
my every-day life is filled with sun, maybe shopping, tv, food, and friends.
please notice how the above had nothing to do with drinking or anything illegal.
don't judge me if you don't know me...
don't try to understand me if you do not take the time to hear it from my mouth, my mind.
browse through my life in a bunch of live journals which i wrote mostly at 3 in the morning after a horrible night...you'll know me, right? wrong.
search through my cds... Anti-flag ((Anti-America?)), Bad religion ((i hate Religion/Government?)), 311 ((i smoke pot all the time?))....backstreet boys ((i'm a poser?)

i believe that you are your own person
don't put limits on your life
the world is only as open as your mind

Character...i am who i am because of what i've been through and what i will go through...

Music...From jessica simpson, to davey havok....it is all expression. just because i listen to views, it doesn't mean i share them. I am not against the government, i don't smoke pot, i am a catholic, and i do not think that listening to a bunch of talent who can sing well is considered being a poser...

Fuck that.
I proudly wear my JLo pants with my studded belt (they make my ass look nice)
I don't feel ashamed to have a backstreet boy poster next to the used poster
I don't look at my views and expect people around me to understand, believe, or agree with my views.

(the part to get through to the people who decide that LJs are an open book to your life...)

get a life...

(back to myself and to anyone who was wondering about my cousin)

I have surrounded myself with a diverse crowd and i would never want to make anyone feel that if they changed their views and who they were, that i wouldn't like them. Change is good, but don't be close-minded... my advise from the start is to be sure that desicions you make are ones you make for yourself...not someone else. Don't put yourself in the position that you are ever scared to take back your words, because if people are your friends, they should accept you no matter what.

---------news flash on what i don't believe in--------
THIS IS NOT BASHING A PERSON, AND NOT BASHING SXE...YOU CAN REPLACE SXE WITH ANY OTHER BELIEF AND IT'S STILL STUPID
(clips of joey's rant about the "poser sxe")

"...doesnt want to be sXe ne more. first of all thats like saying i dont want to live ne more, sXe is the best thing in the world..."
have you ever thought of the pressures you put on people's beliefs? MAKE FRIENDS, SHARE COMMON INTERESTS...DON'T SEEK COMMON INTERESTS AND MAKE FRIENDS

"...He claims that his whole life hes been trying to fit in and that sXe was a way for hime to feel accepted..."
you dissagree with this?!? why else do you label yourself "sxe"?? to find acceptance with yourself and seek others with your beliefs... just as a lover of chess would join chess club

"...he was saying that sXe's...listen to the same music..."
...don't you guys all hate everything else? (not generally)i recall that half the bands you liked before puting the "sxe" tag on all suck....hmmm...

"...shit if i wasnt influenced i would prolly be drunk or high or dead right now..."
once again...the clean way is the only way in some minds...

"...i feel like some has died..."
i wonder how you would feel if one of your friends turned gay... just because maybe he wants to have a drink once every few months he's now dead to you? get a life...

------------to all that posted in reply--------------

i don't stereotype all sXe's off of the actions of joey... let's take a look...shall we?

metal from back in the day until a year and a half ago
punk a year ago
emo 6 months ago
now sxe please understand that i don't base all sxe's off of joey.

i was venting (considering it is my journal) about an issue that goes deeper than the label of sxe.

Coming from 2 sxe kids, i don't expect anything less than the issues you attempted to bring to my attention. it was not an issue of my "sxe bashing", but more of a "don't let a trend get in the way of family"

----back to joe for a second---
"The reason why i dont want to go to Fl is because i feel that i would be just hanging around with you and your friends while you drink, there would be no beach, just drinking. It doesnt apeal to me sorry alison"
after all we talked about, i really never thought that you'd have such a fucked up view of me and my lifestyle. you talk to hear your own voice and maybe if you listen to others you won't look so negatively at the people who believe other than you.
sXe doesn't make you who you are, you do...drinking doesn't make me who i am and if you want to think that it does, so you have a reason not to come here, than that's fine, but just know that your ignorance makes you look like a fool and it's disgusting to see how blind you are towards your family...

....to wrap shit up (cuz believe it or not, i do have a life) i hope all is well in az....mad props to xrebelagainstx and that other sxe kid because they have the balls and knowledge to stand for what they believe and not look like an ass or be as offensive as i've probably been in this.

for joey, i hope that you are happy with your lifestyles because in the end, everything will be an awesome experience and a life lesson...i support you 110% and i only wish that one day you surpass the naiivity you have and are able to see that 1.my life and drinking are not hand in hand and that i have better things to do than drink and 2.that no matter who you grow to be and what your beliefs are i'll always look to who YOU are ...i got on the plane knowing you were sxe and never thought twice about being around you every night and that our opposites made me want to get to know you more.. i could have tried to be sneaky or to have avoided you (which you plan to do to me until whenever you get over it)... but i didn't. so i guess when you come to whatever decision, i just hope it's because of the right reasons....and if you ever want to know about the way i live my life, do it by talking to me, instead of stereo-typing my pro-drinking views and thinking that THEY are my life.

Peace out....yo...

RaRrRrRr...

Mon, 07 Jul 2003 01:50:20 GMT

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

"you said we needed time ...i'm already there"

Sun, 06 Jul 2003 07:33:07 GMT

Hmmm...so the other day i was lookng in the mirror and i went to look at the back of my hair, when i heard a pop, and then the entire right side of my body began to throb in pain... i barely made it to my bed where i then cried and tried to find a telephone within reach. I dunno what happend, but i forced myself to get up after an hour and a half and found a phone and a heating pad... i've been in bed since. FUN!

I was really pissed off because i didn't get to do anything for fourth of july and if it hadn't been for 407, i would have been alone all night. Now i know what people are talkng about when they say how it's upsetting to be alone for the holidays... i can't even imagine what it would be like to be alone for christmas or a holiday like that.

so my friend 007 is in town... i used to like him a lot, but now it's more of a mutual friendship...i think. i mean....i think that if we would let ourselves be more than what we are, we'd be really good together... and i think it has crossed both of our minds before, but neither of us trust that we'll come out as close as we are now....i dunno, dude.

i got my hair straightend and haven't been able to wash it for the past 3 days and it's so nappy...and i have my appt. to get my eyebrows waxed on monday so i'm in no condition to go anywhere... but what WAS cool, was that tonight i saw this guy who i've met a bunch of times before and is really cute, and tonight he gave me a lot of attention. i hope this is a sign that i'm getting my game back in time for the bahamas! jk i dunno why i even decided to put any of that in here...i guess maybe if anything is to ever happen?

yea, so it took like 7 hours to get my hair done and the guy who did it (we shall call him s441) was really attractive...looked about 21, short, tan, in a tight sweater which totally showed off his arms and man-boobies....so my first impression was.....GAY!... i guess he read my mind because the first words out of his mouth (and every other statement that followed) were about ex GIRLFRIENDS... yea....sweet. so when you sit for 7 hours, talking to someone, you kinda like to be around them...so maybe i took a little fancy to s441! he kinda tried to make a date, but it was difficult because he will be away on a trip for a while and i don't like to plan in advance... he also poked around and asked me where i usually go and where i work--he even asked for directions... i was like....damn... too good to be true. so as i went to give him a tip, when i was leaving, he grabbed my hand and gave me his card (which i presume he was nervous, since he gave me 2 instead of one) and told me to come in next week and we'll make plans for that weekend. i must add that i already scheduled my appointment!! haha

FYI-you can totally tell that i have no friends since i am bragging to a computer... o well! so i guess i should go to sleep since my ego needs a rest! haha

nights =)

"...you said there would not be any reason to fear this world, but you're the reason I feel broken, branded, and burning with doubt..."

"...and if i wake before i die, rescue me with your smile..."

"I thought you'd leave me next to nothing, but now you're leaving me much less..."

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 08:11:05 GMT

wow...so tonight was quite weird...i haven't seen my friends in a while and it just seems like i really don't have any desire to chill anymore... i'm so content with just hanging out with 407 and ARI.

Can it be that i miss AZ, meanwhile i never lived there?? It was so different from here... It always seems like when i'm in boca i don't have a place. i'm always feeling uncomfortable with myself and i just have so many insecurities.

I came across some pretty sweet lyrics today:

"...i can't explain or understand, i just love you
...how come i can walk for miles and still just love you?
so i think i'll stay caught up in a silent prayer.
i believe, in silence, our hearts speak the same word.
so why don't we just walk along the shoreline with a silent song?
cuz i believe, in silence, our hearts speak the same word.
we have to prove that our love is real over and over again,
but let them think what they want.
i know it will never end because i know where it began.
and my heart still pounds twice as fast whenever you walk by.
'cause i still love you...so i think i'll stay."

awww, you know they're nice!! so anyways... i get my hair chemically straightend tomorrow so i'm really excited to see how it turns out... it takes 7 hours so i went today and got an audio novel...teeheehee

yea, so 543's being gay so let me bitch for a few...

ok, sxe's are dumb (no offense to 210, because he is cool) --but being sxe is being way fuckin uptight...i understand that it is a way of life, but i mean you don't have to let it control every aspect of who you are... if you want to seclude yourself to you and your sxe buddies, you miss out on shit.. sxe's think that by distancing themselves from alcohol-related things, they show kids there are alternatives...but just think how much it would impact them to show them you can go out and be in that atmosphere and not feel that you're obligated to drink. Like 210 said....when he turns 21 he wants to reserve most of a bar and drink chocolate milk....i think it's awesome...because he's doing it in the bar...to show he could have ordered alcohol, but didn't....now would that have had the same impact if he were to rent out dairy queen??

i'd like to also explain something else... sxe people believe that by giving up alcohol and drugs, they live a life without a visage... well if you want to experience life...how can you do it by avoiding a whole group of people.. sxe's are offended if you don't agree with the way they live their lives, yet it seems like they never wanna see things from our light...and even if they wouldn't agree...at least they could accept us for who we are...

so try to disagree meanwhile my own blood cousin won't come to visit because he doesn't want to be around what i do...manwhile when i was in az i hung out with the sxe's...but i guess that's ok since their beliefs are "right"....fuck that...i respected that i couldn't drink while visiting, at least have the same respect to look at my views and accept them....embrace them.... don't expect people to respect what you believe, if you are too ignorant to see things from their view....

"Distance makes....ME PISSED"

Mon, 30 Jun 2003 08:09:44 GMT

I spent the last week in AZ with my relatives. 543, my cousin, was SO much fun to hang out with... he's like a male version of myself (and i don't mean that in an arrogant way). We have the same sense of humor, which makes every moment a lifelong memory. We had tons of fun playing Xbox and driving around being dumbasses. Out of the whole trip, the highlight was my last night. 543, 210 (543's friend), and i all decided to hit up the 24 hr pool and hot tub for an all-nighter. We ended up getting a lot more than we bargained for, when we watched a trashy and classless chick being disgustingly promiscuous with a man who was old enough to be her grandpa. It was fun to watch (just ask any of the 5 innocent bystanders) and a great example of what not to be. If i was gorgeous, i would be so off-limits... i think that all the pretty girls who get around are just stupid... they need to realize that the concept of masterbation is there for a reason... TO NOT BE A SLUT! hehe...gross yes, so as if it wasn't enough fun that we got a free show (which my loud-ass HAD to thank them for), we all decided to go out to eat, nipples hard and all, to some nasty diner. just so you get the idea of how crappy this place was, they didn't even give you WATER unless you requested it! --what the hell is the world coming to?!? hehe...it was great to sit there and bullshit around with 543 and 210. We recited some lines from movies, solved some puzzles, drank some hot chlorine/"chocolate", and got a rare peek at what resides in 210's nose! hehe By the end of the night/morning i was wet, tired, and had a sausage between my boobs... ((<<total 'that's what she said' joke!.....still no good??)) so i did see THE richard simmons!!! we got to explore the mystery of "self-checkout" =) Hmm....am i forgeting anyone else??...i guess i could mention josh since he played video games with me! ...i can't wait to go back soon (hopefully). My parents want me to stay there next year for a month--sweeeeeet. I love being around people you don't know because it gives you a great chance to get to know yourself and what exactly you want people to see you as.... i have no clue how people view me so my mission was not accomplished...o well... i don't think i have yet to begin understanding myself. ^nights^ "There are always times like these when i think of you and i wonder if you ever think of me..."

Let's play the "I'D NEVER" game...... shall we??

Fri, 13 Jun 2003 07:09:27 GMT

i'll never get it in the ass

Tonight was a really good night. I started it off by boosting my ego by read old convos between me and 440 ...whatever happens happens, and if his words were true, i'll be with him n the end... and then i realized that i lost the key to my memory box , so instead of getting ready to go out, i searched for it for nearly an hour (and never found it). I threw on a tight little tee and some jeans and went to 118's house. I felt so damn ackward since she,her brother, and his friends looked like they were ready to go for a night on the town... but to make the situation worse, i was informed that 18 would be there... (this is this cute guy that i hooked up this around Xmas time and have somewhat plans to hook up with again (it's still up in the air)lol. So i decided to get my drunk friends out of there and, with my luck, bumped right into 18 on the way out... i didn't stop to chat, just went straight to the car.

*2 hours later*

i find myself being smothered by 1218, while 118 is getting "freaky deaky" on the couch...((disgusting)) Okay, so maybe i kind of like all the attention from 1216... it's been a while and that which had been old is once-again new, so i figure 'why not break his heart one more time!?' lol ...i'm not this mean...i swear.

i felt somewhat content on the drive back to my house... although i knew when i got home and went online, my buddylist would still fail to grant my access to {{unmentionable name...er...number}}

By the way, cousin joey (yea, that's his real name) is sxe and so he's now officially a pussy.... hahaha just kidding joey... that shit's cool, but don't yell at me for drinking... it's a good way to do a bunch of crazy shit you would have never done sober and regret the rest of your life! ;)

WELL--it's pretty darn late so i'm gonna get some rest!

I'll leave with a word to the wise

When you meet a guy with beautiful lips,
a beautiful accent,
great personality,
nice hair....
he MAY be hiding something....(under his foreskin)

peace out and goodnight

"...and it's been a while, but i can still remember just the way you..."

Wed, 11 Jun 2003 06:59:39 GMT

i haven't written in a while, i know... shit's been stressful, but i'm still here!

It's the begining of summer...i just got back from a trip to O-town with 407... we had so much fun... we couldn't even last 20 minutes in power hour. I also found out that she'll be able to come to the bahamas with me this summer! She and my friend ARI, along with my sister and parents will be going. ARI is the shit so she doesn't need a number!

I haven't seen a1a since i got back....we worry too much about where we're going to focus on what happening now... but as far as i know, we have plans to catch a movie sometime this week--he's mad sketchy, though.

It's been a few weeks since i've talked to 440... things are changing... feel like i'm now second best, when he spent so long convincing me i was and would always be his number one... it's really hard.

"...Can't have it, too far away, breath is heavy.
Yearning, needing, falling for it.
When it's not around, I cry for it..."

440 makes me feel like i have something in life to look forward to...

"...Not here to be with me, fiending.
For the one i miss tasting.
In my veins, pulsating my heart.
Empty without it next to me."

I remember the morning i woke up to that....i think the smile still remains when the memory strikes at the right time. I might be going to visit one of my sister's friends who happends to live right by 440...i talked to his brother about it, but i asked that he not tell 440... i don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. i don't want to be his second...

"...This is part of me I hope you never see; This is my life inside your heart..." -R.A.

Night all

I'm a fuckin Bunny....

Mon, 21 Apr 2003 01:59:42 GMT

All day i hear "Hoppy Easter!...GET IT?! hoppy like a bunny!?!?" hah...

Last night was the most irritating night EVER... After getting ready and waiting for someone who is unworthy of a # for 4hours parked in various lots, i finally ended up at a pretty awesome party. I had no clue that it was 420 so i was the only sober person there. Mixed in with a bunch of people i only knew from previous parties they had asked to borrow a lighter at, i found my place by giving them complimentary taco bell since i was the only one able to drive... it sucked, but the first trip gave me some time to chat with 1216 about things... he was pretty messed up and just kept whining my name and then trying to kiss me... cute....not really. I ended the conversation by a simple "see you around" and then dropped him off at his house. The second trip, i was escorted by this cute kid who i had met before, but never really talked to....i guess i'll call him... 420. We spent the car ride blasting and singing to jack johnson and got some free tacos out of the guy at taco bell cuz he thought i was hot.<sweet! Anyways...so 420 is pretty cute....looks a lot like 1216, but carries himself much differently. i dunno mannnnn.... well considering i only got 4 hours of sleep last night, ,i need to get to sleep. night RICHARD!!

What is out of sight isn't always out of mind....

Sat, 19 Apr 2003 07:22:39 GMT

Tonight was....over all... fun. I danced, met some guys i wish i hadn't, and did it all sober. 181 and i had such a blast. We were the best dancers at the club, but i guess in different ways. I dance because i love music and i love attention...she dances because she loves the attention and the penis... she danced with about 5 guys meanwhile i was dancing by myself... any guy that tried to latch on, i would walk away from lol DON'T GET ME WRONG, i love guys, but my selection was limited to the busted 21 yr olds, or the perverted 40 yr olds. All together, though, me and 181 had a lot of fun. When i hear music, ,i forget who i am...that i came from a jumbled up room, a life empty of all but deadlines and obligations, a car ride alone. As my reality hit hard while leaving the club, my parents insisted that i follow them home on the city streets, instead of my usual scenic route. I look forward to that drive every day, perhaps because i know that the night time will always come... as i turn up my music, the bass pulses through me, the ocean breeze keeps me company and in the 8 minute drive i am able to look at my life and be content with where i am because the future is at my fingertips... it's the only time that i can feel alive, feel like work pays off, that i... that i will not be alone forever. I realize that the music, the bottles, and whatever else i seek comfort in can be stopped or will become empty... and that in the end i need to find something inside myself (i'm so emo)

I just have to deal with issues as they come and recognize that what is meant to be is meant to be.. which is that hardest thing for me to accept considering i can never take what i'm dealt with... i always want more options...want everything my way... but i guess what happens will happen when it happens lol ...but for now i think it would be in my best interest to get some sleep and wait for tomorrow's drive to come....wait for my certain something to hold my day together.

ps-mad props to richard simmons, i'll be up/over visiting in june =D